4 Reasons You Might Be Struggling to Orgasm (and What to Do About Them)

Orgasm difficulties are incredibly common, and can affect people of all genders and sexualities. Whether it happens only occasionally or every time you have sex, struggling to climax can make your sex life more frustrating and stressful than fulfilling and joyful. 

There are numerous reasons why you might be finding it hard to “get there”, and we can’t tell you what’s true for you without knowing more about your personal experience and circumstances. However, there are a few common themes that crop up again and again when we delve into the reasons for orgasm-related problems. 

If you’re struggling to climax and you’re not sure why, here are four things that might be having an impact. 

Stress, Depression or Anxiety

Sex and orgasm are mental at least as much as physical. This means that what’s going on in your head can and will impact what’s happening with your body. If you are stressed, anxious, or thinking about all the things on your to-do list, you will not be able to enjoy sex fully. This can lead to orgasm difficulties.

Ultimately, the key to combating this issue is to fight the stress, anxiety, or depression itself. This might include tackling the problems you’ve been avoiding, finding healthier coping strategies, seeing a doctor or therapist, or trying medication. If you simply don’t feel sexy right now, give yourself permission to be where you are and don’t try to force it.

If you want to have sex but are stressed about whether or not you’ll be able to orgasm, try making pleasure rather than climax the goal. If you orgasm, great. If you don’t, that’s also fine as long as you had fun. Taking off the pressure can actually help you to relax enough to get there. 

Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are is a wonderful resource which offers some in-depth strategies on how to switch off your sexual “brakes” and get out of your head enough to enjoy yourself. 

Low Body Confidence 

Feeling bad about yourself and your body can have a major impact on your enjoyment of sex and your ability to orgasm. If you don’t feel attractive, you won’t be able to relax and enjoy the experience. Your little internal voice critiquing your body is not a recipe for a hot and sexy time. 

Most of us suffer from low self-esteem at one time or another. But if it is an ongoing or recurring problem, it’s time to do something about it. Try wearing things that make you feel beautiful or sexy, taking the time to pamper and care for yourself, and seeking out diverse images of sexiness to look at and admire. 

Take the time to appreciate your body, too. Look at yourself in the mirror and try to find five physical features you like. Thank your body for all the things it does for you and all the ways it helps you to move through the world. 

Finally, don’t be afraid to ask your partner(s) for their support. They will most likely be only too happy to tell you all about the many ways they find you irresistible!

You might also find our article on building body confidence in the bedroom helpful. 

Medication

Most medications come with some side effects, and sexual side effects including a loss of libido, a reduction in sensation, erectile problems, vaginal dryness, and anorgasmia (the inability to orgasm) are common side effects for many medications. Antidepressants, other psychotropic drugs, many cardiovascular medicines, and antihypertensives are just some of the categories of medications known to cause sexual side effects. 

In some cases, these side effects will be short-term and will lessen or go away entirely as your body acclimates to the drug. Some people find that, during this initial adjustment period, a high powered sex toy such as a wand vibrator can help to overcome the orgasm block. In other cases, medication side effects will cause an ongoing problem. 

If your medication is causing problems for your sex life, speak to your doctor. They might be able to adjust your dose, try you on an alternative drug, or suggest other ways to combat the sexual side effects. 

Abuse or Trauma

If you have experienced any kind of sexual abuse or sexual trauma, this can have a major impact on your sex life even many years later. Whether you experienced childhood abuse, intimate partner violence, or even psychological abuse, any traumatic experience can show up in sexual problems including anorgasmia. 

If you feel safe, consider disclosing your experience to your partner(s.) If they love you, they will want to support you and they will be patient and kind while you work through your trauma. 

The only way to effectively address these issues is with the support of a trauma-informed professional. If you’d like to do some of your own research, The Body Keeps the Score by Dr Bessel Van der Kolk is an excellent resource. But please seek out an appropriate therapist as soon as possible. With the right help, you can overcome and move past what happened to you. 

When to See Your Doctor

If you have tried troubleshooting your orgasm difficulties and have had no success, it’s time to see your doctor or a gynecologist. They will be able to investigate and rule out or treat any possible underlying physical causes. In addition, you should see a doctor immediately if you are experiencing pain, bleeding, or discomfort during sex. 

You deserve pleasure, orgasms, and an amazing sex life that’s exactly what you want it to be. There’s no shame in seeking some help to get you there.