Your First Same-Sex Experience: How to Stop Worrying and Have Fun

Whether you’re gay or lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or anywhere else on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, the first time you have sex with a member of your own same sex or gender can be a big deal. You might feel a huge range of emotions, from excited to anxious, or even a messy and confusing combination of feelings. 

If this sounds familiar, first of all: don’t panic! Whatever you’re feeling, it’s all entirely normal. People come to their first same-gender experience from all kinds of backgrounds and at all stages of life, and wherever you are right now is beautiful and valid. 

Here are a few things to remember if you’re feeling nervous before your first experience. 

Check In with Yourself

Consent starts with self-consent. Before you can effectively say yes or no to anyone else, you need to be able to say an authentic and honest yes or no to yourself. 

Ask yourself these questions before you try any kind of new sexual experience with another person:

• Am I ready to have this sexual experience in general?

• Do I want to have this experience with this person specifically?

• Do I trust this person to keep me safe and honor my boundaries?

If the answer to any of these questions is negative, or even unsure, then pause and examine what’s going on for you. The maxim that “if it’s not a hell yes then it’s a no” might help you here. You might find that it’s not the right time or that this isn’t the right person. Remember that you can always revoke consent, up to and including at the moment when something is happening. 

Communicate with Your Partner

“Should I tell them I’ve never done this before?” is a question many people ask when they’re going to have sex with a same-gender partner for the first time. Ultimately the choice is yours, but my advice is that you should tell them if you feel safe doing so. 

If your partner is experienced, knowing that you’re not can let them know to be extra gentle and reassuring with you. If they’re similarly inexperienced, you can approach sex as an experiment and an exploration that you’re undertaking together, without either of you feeling pressure to impress the other. 

And if they decide that your inexperience is a deal-breaker? They weren’t the right partner for you anyway.

Talk Boundaries and Preferences 

Chances are you have some idea of how you like your body to be touched, whether from previous sexual experiences or solo masturbation. If possible, try to communicate these things to your partner. Is there any part of your body that you don’t like to be touched? Tell them that, too. Giving your partner this information is a gift they can use to take care of you and be a better lover to you. 

You should ask your partner about their needs and limits too, of course. Here’s an easy script to try on for size: “just to let you know, I find direct clitoral stimulation so intense it can hurt. I prefer to have my clit touched over the hood. And please don’t touch my neck. Do you have any preferences or boundaries I should know about?” Feel free to take this and adapt it as you like for your purposes. 

Try Not to Be Goal-Oriented

Sex of all kinds is better when you go with the flow rather than trying to tick a set of boxes. Remember that your first time certainly won’t be your last. You don’t have to do everything you could ever possibly want to experience in one night. 

If penetrative sex (either with a penis or strap-on) is on the cards, try to consider it one option on a menu rather than a milestone you must reach. You and/or your partner might not orgasm the first time you play, and that’s okay–it doesn’t say anything about anyone’s skills or your compatibility as partners. It can just take time to learn each other’s bodies and to feel relaxed enough to get there. If someone isn’t wet or hard, don’t worry about it as long as you are both having fun. 

Be Prepared to Adjust

The best sex is a dance and a conversation between partners. Sometimes you might need to adjust mid-flow. Perhaps something you thought would work isn’t doing it for you, someone has realized they’re not comfortable with a particular act after all, or someone has got a leg cramp and needs to change position. Flexibility and ongoing communication are key. 

This doesn’t have to be disruptive to the flow of what you’re doing. A simple “could you stroke me a little more slowly?” or “my leg’s going to sleep, can we change position?” is often all you’ll need.

But you also shouldn’t be afraid to pause and check in if a more significant renegotiation is needed. Sometimes it happens, and that’s normal. It’s always better to pause and then resume than to push past uncertainty, discomfort, or pain.

Remember It’s Supposed to Be Fun! 

Sex isn’t a competition or (unless you’re making porn) a spectator sport. Your first time might be all kinds of things: serious or silly, casual or intense, messy, emotional, exhilarating, confusing, and much more. All of these experiences and feelings are normal. Ultimately, though, sex is supposed to be enjoyable and pleasurable for all involved. 

So relax, take a breath, don’t forget to laugh… and have fun.