We Can All Learn Something from the BDSM Community

Kink and BDSM (a six-for-four acronym standing for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism) was dragged into the mainstream by the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, but people have likely been playing with pain and power in an erotic context for all of human history. There has been an organized kinky community since at least the 1950s.

Whether or not you consider yourself kinky, chances are you know someone who does. One study suggested that around one third of Americans have a specific kink or fetish. People are into kink and BDSM for all sorts of reasons, from acting out long-held sexual fantasies and experiencing intense sensations, to stress relief and even reclaiming their sense of power after trauma. 

But even if you think of yourself as fairly vanilla, there are valuable lessons that can be learned from the kinky community that can make everyone’s sex lives and intimate relationships better. 

Intimacy needn’t involve genitals 

Many kinky people view BDSM as inherently sexual, while others do not. Some can happily practice kink with or without sex being involved, depending on their mood, their partner, and the context. There are also asexual kinksters, including those who would define themselves as sex-repulsed but still enjoy BDSM activities. 

Many BDSM practitioners understand that physical intimacy and erotic connection does not necessarily need to involve genital contact. A good spanking, tying someone up, or a service-based roleplay session can be just as satisfying. 

For all kinds of reasons, you or your partner might sometimes be unable or unwilling to engage in acts that are typically defined as sexual. But this doesn’t mean you have to give up on physical intimacy. Even if playing with pain and power doesn’t appeal to you, there are plenty of ways to get creatively intimate without bringing genitals into the mix. Intense kissing, close cuddling, exchanging massages, and bathing or showering together are just a few ideas for you to think about. 

Sex as play

Kinky people refer to engaging in a kinky scene or sex session as “play,” often viewing it as a form of pretend game for adults. After all, responsible kinksters know that the roles they are embodying—Master or servant, teacher or student, owner or owned—are not literally true, but they willingly suspend disbelief for the purposes of fun, pleasure, and physical or psychological fulfillment. 

Approaching sex and intimacy of all kinds as a form of play emphasizes fun, exploration, and laughter, all of which can be very hot. It can also be freeing, taking away some of the pressure that can come from viewing sex as inherently serious. 

Safewords and limits 

All of us have limits in sex and relationships: things that we are not willing to do. But limits and boundaries can sometimes seem blurry, circumstantial, or variable depending upon a huge number of factors. 

BDSM practitioners often refer to “hard limits” as things you will not do under any circumstances, and “soft limits” as things that you usually will not do but might be willing to engage in occasionally or within certain contexts. If you or your partner ever struggle to articulate your boundaries and limits clearly, these concepts might help you. 

Similarly, kinky people tend to use safewords when playing. A safeword is a word or phrase that calls an immediate halt to what is happening, and can be particularly useful in roleplay scenarios when words like “no” or “stop” might not be taken at face value as part of the game. 

In the absence of negotiation otherwise, “no” is the ultimate safeword and must always be respected. But some people find it hard to say this in the moment, and may find an agreed-upon alternative makes it easier to express a boundary. Similarly, some kinksters use a separate safeword (“orange” or “amber”, as in traffic lights, is the most common) to mean “pause and check in, then continue”, which can also be useful if you need a slight adjustment but not for everything to stop. 

Sexuality is a vast menu of options 

Many of us received woefully limited sex education, if we got any at all. This means that the vast majority of us reached adulthood with a fairly basic understanding of what constitutes “sex”: penis-in-vagina intercourse, and possibly anal, oral, or manual sex. While these things are wonderful for many people, sexuality and eroticism is a much broader spectrum with countless options available to explore. 

Because kink and BDSM are such broad categories, very little is assumed as standard in these dynamics. Instead, practitioners are more likely to approach activities as a menu of choices to pick from and use as building blocks for their scenes. 

Many kinksters like to use tools such as yes/no/maybe lists, particularly at the beginning of a new relationship or play partnership. These lists can include anything from dozens to hundreds of activities, which partners can use to indicate their likes and dislikes, limits, and levels of interest in each activity. The places where those interests overlap is where the fun begins.